By Signsfromlife | December 01, 2011 at 05:44 PM EST | 1 comment
It sounds like such a beautiful thing, and don't get me wrong, it really is, but it can also be very tiring. For one thing, it is never ending. There is no graduation or certificate of accomplishment.
It has been a little over two years since I discovered what was then unthinkable and was launched onto a path of unwanted transformation. Just as the ball in the pinball machine gets bounced around seemingly out of control, so too have been my roles on this path of transformation. I played the part in this drama of my life as the victim, the martyr, the defendant, the prosecutor, the witness, even the judge. Bottom line, I am tired. I am tired of "my story" I am tired of being the one who got left, who was betrayed, who is always overcoming something. I am tired of all that goes along with that, anger, grief, sadness, doubt, tears, and fear.
December 1st feels like as good of a day as any to let go of "my story", to begin a new chapter tabla rasa. Today I get to begin the process of finding gratitude in even the toughest times recognizing that it is only through a crack light can shine. So, gratitude while not my favorite topic is what I will attempt this month to focus on.
What am I grateful for?
Discovery: In picking up the pieces of what felt like a shattered heart, I discovered a hidden strength within and a part of myself which is more gentle than not.
Love: While it pains me that my marriage ended, that my children are now part of a divorced family, that my ex-husband left for her, I know that Love existed. I know that the day we both said I do, we did so without reservation, with Love in our hearts and with the hope that it would remain this way forever. I know that our children were made from that space of Love and that through them, the Love is ever present.
Compassion: Not only do I find compassion for myself trudging this path unaware where it is taking me, but I find compassion for my ex. The gentle side of me gets that his choices were his, and that he, too is on a path of discovery. I have compassion for all that he "lost" as a result of his choices and look forward to finding peace with him no longer being part of "my story".
Time: It is true that time is one of the greatest healers. While I would not proclaim to be healed I will admit that my four year old chiming in at Thanksgiving dinner about the time "daddy called 9-11 on you" brought a smile to my face, not because the incident he referred to was funny, but because the recognition that with time, even the most tragic of times can be softened even humorous. Watching this unfold through the mouth of babes and noticing the change of my own reaction is evidence enough for me that time is a great healer.
Hope: Getting back out there (the dating scene) whiles not my most favorite thing to do, have opened my eyes. I get to experience different flavors to entertain my palate. I can say good-bye and remain hopeful for the next hello. My heart has not been closed; it has remained open to possibility.
So closing out the year I say Bring it on. If I were to offer a prayer it would be this. Transform me, make me giddy, patient, loving, might I create abundance, joy, and laughter. May my heart continue to knead forgiveness, might I BE LOVE!